Ruminations on gratitude and friendship

This is all about getting or not getting what you earn, and the essential unfairness and imbalance of being expected to be thankful.

See, here's the thing. I'm seriously fierce when it comes to friendship. If you call yourself my friend, I'm going to assume there's a reason you want to do that. It doesn't have to be object- or logic- or even action-based, but I don't think I've ever heard "I don't know, I just like you and consider myself your friend" from anyone.

So I assume that, if you use the word "friend" in connection with me, you have a damned strong reason to do so. I am a pisspoor choice as a "casual" friend. I'm a pisspoor choice for a "casual" anything.

YMMV, of course, but despite my occasionally authoritative tone, I never - EVER - speak for anyone but myself. Any lurkers who support me in email stay in email. I speak for no one but myself.

Let's look at it from the other side of the fence, which would be me, considering myself your friend. It is likely that, in that case, I will defend you, cover your back, cook for you, worry about you, cheer for you when things go well, mobilise as many people as I can to succour you in an emergency.

Why?

Well - because I define friendship that way. Just as importantly, though, because you've earned it. You've earned my care and my attention and my loyalty by being who you are. You may have made me laugh when I needed it. You may have done something I consider wonderful, usually a something that has nothing to do with me. You may be warm or kind or silly or damaged or genuine or interesting or any number of things. This is my definition of "earning my friendship": I will cover your back and take care of you when needed in any way I can because you are who and what you are.

I don't expect that level of support from my friends - everyone is going to have their own definition of the word, and it's hardly fair to expect mine to fit anyone else. My own expectations from my friends are fairly simple: don't backstab me, don't try to play god in my life, and don't betray or abuse my hospitality or my trust.

So here's the inverse. Why do you consider me your friend, assuming you aren't using that word as a casual catchall? My point (there is one, I swear there is!) is that I belive that, if I have your friendship, I've earned it.

Several people on my friendslist do the "daily thankfulness" thing. It's a nice thing, good to read - but I tend to associate "thankfulness" with "giving thanks", and there's my question: giving thanks to who?

I can be damned happy that I have my friends, and hoo boy, trust me, I am. I can be grateful to my friends, for what they do for me - I never expect it, it's always wonderful, it always blindsides me.

But, on some level, I believe we've all earned our friends. That state, friendship and mutual love and respect, is the result of who we are and what we do.